


i dont think anyone in the history of ever has fucked mac n cheese up this bad

by TreasonousToaster



Series: Jane Crocker's Online Kitchen [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society (Homestuck), Background Relationships, Dialogue-Only, M/M, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Phone Call, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, idk if that counts but, mac n cheese
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:01:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28949340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TreasonousToaster/pseuds/TreasonousToaster
Summary: Dave calls Jane for cooking advice.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jane Crocker & Dave Strider
Series: Jane Crocker's Online Kitchen [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2121582
Comments: 3
Kudos: 39





	i dont think anyone in the history of ever has fucked mac n cheese up this bad

JANE: Hello?  
DAVE: cooking emergency  
JANE: Well, I'm doing just fine, Dave, thanks for asking.  
DAVE: yeah hi  
DAVE: help  
JANE: What do you need?  
DAVE: i burned my mac n cheese  
JANE: What?  
DAVE: i burned my mac n cheese  
JANE: I-  
JANE: Okay.  
JANE: How badly burnt is it?  
DAVE: well all the cheese at the top is black  
DAVE: it looks kinda charred  
DAVE: its  
DAVE: chard-izard  
JANE: Chard-izard?  
DAVE: yeah like charizard  
DAVE: the pokemon  
JANE: ...  
DAVE: dude dont tell me you dont know who charizard is  
JANE: I can't say I do...  
DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: ok we gotta fix this  
JANE: Dave.  
DAVE: so charizard is like this big orange dude  
DAVE: and like he looks like a dragon  
JANE: Dave.  
DAVE: but hes not a dragon type pokemon hes-  
JANE: Dave!  
JANE: You can tell me about your Pokémons later.  
DAVE: theres no s  
JANE: Look, do you want cooking advice or not?  
DAVE: yes  
JANE: Then can we please stop talking about Pokémon?  
DAVE: ok but im expecting you to educate yourself  
DAVE: at least learn who fuckin charizard is  
DAVE: god damn  
JANE: Alright, fine!  
JANE: I will Google it later.  
DAVE: ill send you the wiki page  
JANE: I'm sure I can find it just fine on my own.  
DAVE: yeah but then i can walk you through it  
JANE: That's very... thoughtful.. of you, Dave.  
JANE: But can we get back to the issue of your burned food?  
JANE: The reason you called me in the first place?  
DAVE: right yea so  
DAVE: i was making mac n cheese right?  
JANE: Do you actually want me to answer?  
DAVE: nah just listen  
DAVE: its a good story  
JANE: Okay.  
DAVE: ok cool  
DAVE: so karkat went to buy food n shit  
DAVE: and before he left he was all  
DAVE: ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN HANDLE COOKING BY YOURSELF?  
JANE: (Ow..)  
DAVE: and i was like uh yea its just mac n cheese  
DAVE: i think ill be fine  
DAVE: and then he left  
DAVE: and i made mac n cheese  
DAVE: and everything was fine  
DAVE: like that was some good looking mac n cheese  
DAVE: you just know it was gonna taste real fuckin good  
DAVE: just some grade a mac n cheese  
DAVE: a+ in every subject that mac n cheese was top of the class  
JANE: Sigh.  
DAVE: all around hard worker  
DAVE: that mac n cheese was on course to get into an ivy league university  
DAVE: had offers from harvard  
DAVE: yale  
DAVE: uhhh columbia  
DAVE: i dont know any other ivy leagues  
DAVE: oh wait cornell  
DAVE: learned that from the office cause andy wouldnt shut up about it and i didnt know what it was so i googled it  
DAVE: like who the fuck knows all the ivy leagues by heart?  
DAVE: that shit aint general knowledge  
DAVE: anyway that mac n cheese had such a promising future  
DAVE: it was going places  
DAVE: but then i forgot about it  
DAVE: and it was in there for like 2 hours  
JANE: Oh, Dave...  
DAVE: and now its just this blackened crisp  
DAVE: you would never know this was the same mac n cheese with the promising future  
DAVE: all his old classmates  
DAVE: who definitely talk shit about him behind his back cause hes too smart for them  
DAVE: would never even recognise him  
DAVE: theyd talk shit right to his face cause they think hes some other mac n cheese  
DAVE: all hope he had for a better tomorrow is lost  
DAVE: he is all alone is this world  
DAVE: just a sad burned meal  
JANE: Well, that got surprisingly deep at the end.  
JANE: So you want to fix your mac n cheese?  
DAVE: yes  
JANE: I don't know if you can.  
DAVE: dude no dont say that  
DAVE: this shits gotta be salvagable  
JANE: It's been in there two hours, Dave...  
JANE: Wait, has Karkat been at the store for two hours?  
DAVE: yea hes got a lotta stuff to buy  
DAVE: whyd you think were having mac n cheese?  
JANE: Well, I'd assumed you were just making macaroni and cheese because you like it?  
DAVE: well yea that too  
DAVE: but we literally have nothing else  
DAVE: were even out of all his weird bug shit  
JANE: Right...  
JANE: Well, I think you're just going to have to start fresh.  
DAVE: dude i literally just told you we dont have anything else  
JANE: You don't have any more pasta?  
DAVE: nope  
JANE: No cheese?  
DAVE: we have one slice of mouldy mozzarella  
JANE: I see...  
JANE: Well, you should probably throw it out.  
DAVE: i dont want to throw it out its probably still edible  
JANE: Dave, it's mouldy..  
DAVE: oh i meant the mac n cheese  
JANE: Oh.  
JANE: Well, you should probably throw that out too.  
DAVE: duuuude  
DAVE: then we wont have anything to eat  
JANE: Dave, you just said Karkat was out buying more food.  
DAVE: yeah?  
JANE: So you will have food when he gets home.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: well yea but  
DAVE: i told him i could handle making mac n cheese  
DAVE: i mean i thought i could  
DAVE: like its fuckin mac n cheese how hard could that be  
DAVE: yet i still fucked it up  
JANE: Well, to be fair, it sounds like you were doing very well before you burned it.  
DAVE: wow thanks jane  
JANE: Listen, I don't think you can salvage this, Dave.  
JANE: It's okay to mess up while cooking.  
JANE: I know I used to mess up a lot when I first started.  
DAVE: yea but  
JANE: Dave.  
JANE: You tried, and that's what counts.  
DAVE: jane it was mac n cheese  
DAVE: its literally just pasta and cheese  
DAVE: i know youre trying to be encouraging and shit  
DAVE: but i dont think anyone in the history of ever has fucked mac n cheese up this bad  
JANE: I'm sure that's not true.  
DAVE: mhm  
DAVE: can you please help me fix it  
JANE: Sigh.  
JANE: I will try.  
DAVE: thank you  
JANE: Alright, I guess all you can really do is try to scrape off the burned parts.  
DAVE: so all of it  
JANE: Yes.  
DAVE: aight  
JANE: Just try to get the worst of it.  
JANE: Hopefully it's just the outside...  
DAVE: yeah i dont think its just the outside  
JANE: How bad is it?  
DAVE: well i cant get it out the tray  
DAVE: shits stuck good  
JANE: I see.  
JANE: I'm sorry, Dave, I am, but I really don't think you can fix this.  
DAVE: fuuuck  
JANE: I'm sorry.  
DAVE: wow how stupid do you have to be to fuck up mac n cheese this badly  
JANE: Don't say that.  
JANE: I will not have any self-deprecation in my kitchen.  
DAVE: actually its my kitchen  
JANE: Well I'm in my kitchen so you are too!  
DAVE: ok makes sense  
JANE: This was your first attempt at macaroni n cheese, correct?  
DAVE: well yea but-  
JANE: The first time I tried to bake a cake, I forgot to add the sugar.  
DAVE: what  
JANE: Yeah!  
JANE: And it took me months to figure out how to bake them properly. They were always overcooked, or undercooked. It took me a long time to figure out!  
JANE: So don't expect to just be good at this on your first try.  
JANE: You're doing your best, and learning a new skill and that's all that matters.  
JANE: Okay?  
DAVE: ok  
JANE: So, just throw out the macaroni.  
JANE: Make something else when Karkat gets home.  
DAVE: yeah ok  
DAVE: i dunno why i thought i could fix this  
DAVE: sorry for calling you  
JANE: That's quite alright.  
JANE: I'm always happy to help you out, even if the best advice I can give is just 'get rid of it'.  
DAVE: cool  
JANE: Do you need anything else?  
DAVE: naw i think im good  
DAVE: also i think karkats back so  
DAVE: gotta chuck this shit out and find something to cover the burning smell  
JANE: Well, good luck.  
DAVE: thanks jane  
JANE: Always nice talking to you, Dave.  
JANE: Call again soon!  
DAVE: yeah well dont think i forgot about charizard  
DAVE: i expect you to call me next week to tell me youve memorised the charizard wiki page and all links to other pages on it  
JANE: I am not doing that.  
DAVE: jane at least just watch the anime  
DAVE: please  
JANE: I am a very busy woman, Dave.  
DAVE: dude  
JANE: But I suppose I will think about it.  
JANE: Goodbye now.  
DAVE: ok see you  


KARKAT: WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE BURNING?  
DAVE: i may have burned the mac n cheese  
KARKAT: OF COURSE.  
DAVE: sorry  
KARKAT: SIGH  
KARKAT: ITS FINE DAVE  
KARKAT: LETS JUST MICROWAVE SOME CHEAP SHIT AND CALL IT A DAY  
DAVE: aight sounds good  
KARKAT: <3  
DAVE: <3  


**Author's Note:**

> just another one of these fun shorter fics while i work on something big  
> i feel like dave would call jane for cooking advice a lot
> 
> come stalk me on tumblr: treasonousToaster


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